And a big thanks to frumpy for helping me translating and putting it in an orderly fashion
March 01, 2013
I am slightly melancholic today after listening yesterday for 2 hours to this special song while dancing. And everything came back again. I am wondering, how likely it is that Travis will ever contact me. Why should he? He has no reason at all. Has one of the victims ever been contacted by the RPO? The RPO’s are rather chased by the victims and have to deal with them. Moreover, Travis is younger than I am, probably married, with at least one child. There are over 4 billion men in the world; there must be at least one out there for me to whom I can fall in love!
And I should not forget, now I can do what I want, nobody there telling me what to do, no man arguing with me because he is in one of his strange moods. But still, it would be just nice to have someone by my side again. Life is nicer, especially when you have somebody in your life, when you can love and are loved in return. I'm just still too young to spend the rest of my life alone.
D. has written that he is sick, his back hurts and he doesn’t know whether he's coming tonight. Depends how he feels. Well, let's wait. This is going on my nerves, all these coach potatoes feeling terrible sick with each small illness.
Thought about this in the bathroom
Why do I think about what will be in 20 years? First, I cannot prevent aging; second, I am having confidence in this respect because of my good genes. I am really lucky so far, if I continue to take care of myself, continue with my exercises, I should remain like this for still a very long time. At the age of twenty I didn´t think of what would be when I'm 40. And at the age of 20, 40 years was already old. And now I'm 56 and feel not a bit old. I will just live here and now, be glad that I am okay and healthy and I can look forward to the exciting things that are still ahead of me, simply enjoy life. I have the luck of being born in a good country, where I have every opportunity, I am intelligent, good-looking and nice; I have a job, have many good feelings and love for my friends and the people around me; I also can make good money with my extra jobs. I feel fine!!! Thank you, Phillip M., that you've helped me to come to this conclusion, to make me change my life. Without you, I would have never come to this insight. Although it was a very hard lesson and I would have liked to have it easier, but glad that I came to this conclusion after all. It will be a long way still, probably also with setbacks, but in the end, the journey is the reward. And it's important to me that I continue like this and not get discouraged even if I'll have days where I am not fine, days, when I am missing Travis. But I've never had Travis, he existed only in my imagination, this will continue even for a while, but regardless the outcome, I will be stronger and more successful than ever before. My goals for 2013 remain as they are now, with Travis´ picture next to mine, with my goals and desires, with the money and all the other stuff and with my main goal, the wedding with my Prince Charming.I will also continue writing my diary, because I like it, because it helps me to see things better, because it helps me and supports me on my way.
I am back home again. Tonight we were back in K. for the first time after November 2012. We were there the last time the 02nd of November 2012. I was thicker then, about 12 kg more. I knew Phillip M. already, but we had exchanged only emails, no skype chats yet. Didn't know at that time yet, what nightmare was waiting for me, thought I am writing with the nice guy from the pictures. And I liked his pictures already, especially my favorite picture. So it will be weird tonight. The last time I was still full of hope to have met a nice guy, who was in Afghanistan and who may come to Germany. But I was not in love with him, not yet. Oh, man, what happened in the meantime, I went through hell the last 4 months! Especially in November, when Phillip M. mentioned this stupid trunk box and the money. I had the worst time in December, until I found the romancescam page. I did so much research, how many times did I cry, I lost 12 kg. But I am also smarter now, not only because of the damage, but because I wanted to be smarter, because I wanted to get smarter, wanted to know what's going on.
I still cannot read the emails Phillip M. sent me. So full of love; no wonder I fell for him. I have tears in my eyes every time I read them, even now. And none of this was true, not one single word. This son of a b.tch.
March 02 2013
I fell strange somehow again. It simply still isn't over. The days are sometimes good, sometimes bad. And today, I feel somewhat depressed. I already felt that when I came home last night alone. The evening in K. was very nice. Though unfortunately few musicians were there, but we danced anyway and also 2 new people did dance with us. And I didn’t think, how I felt 4 months ago when everything had started and I was still full of hope at that time. It was not soooo in love anyway, only the first contact. D. did come despite of his back pain, but quite late. All in all he felt not particularly well. He left quite early, because he didn’t feel that good. My girlfriend R. has meant that D. and I would fit well together. On one hand it was a good feeling, sitting next to someone to whom I belong, on the other hand, I'm still unsure. But when I was home again, I was somehow in a bad mood, I come home and nobody is there, nobody is waiting for me or coming home with me. I suppose that is what I'm missing. My son is indeed at home, but that is not the same. How about if I would be coming home with D.? I don't know whether I'd like this idea. I am still totally unsure.
Must now go shopping, I'll continue later.
Phillip M. is once again online, hasn’t been for several days. Perhaps he was online with a different email address and now again tries to scam innocent women with Travis´ pictures. I have looked at his emails again he sent me at the beginning and also our skype conversation. It makes me sick! And I was so naive to believe that I was chatting with the man from the pictures. Was so clueless. And I believed everything with the money as well, but my friend G. also did, when I told her about it. There are hundreds of similar stories at romancescam.
Phillip had always said he wanted to see me dance, wanted to see my friends, wanted to dance with me even. I had always thought that in order to get to our dance school, it would be pretty difficult for him to pass by the rooms at this Afghan society or whatever it is, where it constantly smells the food they are cooking, and every time he would be remembered about his time in Afghanistan. He wrote me once that he doesn't like Arabs and all Islamists. That they would not appreciate what the American army is doing for them. Well, for once, this a..hole is right, except that he was never in Afghanistan, but he is a black mugu, perhaps 25 years old and definitely not the man from the photos.
March 03, 2013
I have been very lazy today, did only what was really necessary. I checked again my skype conversation with Phillip M. I just feel sick when I read this. Why didn’t I check this earlier? His bad language skills, his nonbinding statements? Every time I asked for more details, either, he didn’t answer at all or gave me only some silly answers, was not informed about common known things, he only repeated himself, like:
- I don’t know what to do
- Honey I love you
- Honey, don’t you trust me?
- Honey, do your best for me and our love.
Makes me sick!
I was online today at Friendscout. I got contacted by two scammers. One used pictures of J.M. I made the mistake of telling him that a lot of scammers are on Friendscout, I scared him off. The other one sent me almost the same email, Phillip M. has sent me at the beginning, but without pictures. I have replied with readnotify, I want to know where this guy is and when he read my email. It would be interesting to know the pictures he is using.
I have also chatted with 2 real guys, one called A. and one called P. P. was very nice, we will meet coming Wednesday at the pub. He is living at Lake Starnberg, close to Munich. I gave him my cellphone-number and he also has mine.
March 04, 2013
Today, I am feeling bad again. I am again very melancholic, yearning for Travis, but probably for a man with fire and passion. D. is not this guy; it's kind of boring with him. He is just too nice, too thoughtful and too close-fisted. I don't know. He's just not really alive.
I have received pictures from this new scammer, Christian E. I don’t know where he is coming from, assuming Ghana, he used a proxy, but he actually sent me photos of Sir J. St. I started laughing right away. Even the text is similar to that of Alexander H. sent me. He refers to himself as being "harmless". I will post him tonight at romancescam and of course tell Friendscout about him.
But in order to not scare off the scammers, I will not tell them that many of them are at Friendscout, because I will not get any information of them.
Phillip M. is constantly online, the whole day yesterday and again today, with the avatar of Travis and K. I am just waiting that someday someone will come to romancescam who again has fallen for his vows of love and the beautiful pictures.
March 05, 2013
This P. has sent me a SMS today that he is looking forward to meet me. I will make myself beautiful tomorrow. After work I will go to the pub where I´m going to meet him.
Phillip M. is also back online. I really wonder when the next victim will find her way to romancescam. Hopefully before she will send money to this a..hole. His English is really not that good; somebody should notice this, just like I did
. Mine is a lot better, and I didn’t want to see it. Oh boy! But anyway, I have realized it in time so that I was not harmed more than I have been. My lovesickness and my longing for Travis are bad enough. But slowly it is diminishing. But I don’t want to know what would happen if I should meet the real Travis one day. Can he meet my expectations, the way I have idealized him? Well, time will tell.March 06, 2013
Tonight I met this P. He is nice, I also like him, but it was just the first meeting. Let´s wait. He drove me to my dancing classes and M. said that I would look especially very good tonight.
On the way home we talked about Travis. She asked, if I should try to write to the U.S. Army, together with pictures of Travis, so they can tell me who he is and I could contact him. The idea is of course tempting, if the U.S. Army would tell me something about him. But what would it do to me? I would never contact Travis, because I would need to know that he is not married, I don't want to bother him. It would be nice to know him, at least to be his friend, but then I'd never get rid of him. Either he loves me and I love him and we are meant to be, everything else doesn't work. No, I will search for him myself, someday I will find something, maybe someone posts something at romancescam or something is coming from Canada or from the IC3. I am sad again now. Right here waiting for you!
March 08, 2013
Today I am very sad again. Why? When will this end? I have that tight knot in my stomach again. I listened to the song "Right here waiting for you", and now I feel lonely. Oh, I need some vacation. But I have to wait another 3 weeks.
A..hole Phillip M. is online the whole day. But he no longer contacts me. He is just scamming with Travis´ pictures, with the same name, probably with the same story, only the dates have probably changed. So far, no new victims have found the way to romancescam. A victim whose heart was broken, just like mine.
At lunchtime I logged in at Friendscout and two men started to chat with me. One called himself Martin Th, and sent me two pictures of U. (sigh). Have just posted him at romancescam and busted him at Friendscout. His profile has already been deleted. Then a James has written to me. It would be interesting to get pictures from him, but since I was at work, I could not write the whole time; I replied only shortly. His profile was deleted already this evening. Maybe he used pictures of St.J., I want to get pictures of St.J. for a change and not always pictures of U. or Sir J.St.
March 10, 2013
Tonight D. sent me an email, telling me that he would like to end our contact because he didn’t fall in love with me. There is a great sympathy between us but this would not suffice. Well, he is right, I feel the same. How many times did I write this here that I find him somewhat boring? So I will not hurt him when I will have found my great love, and I will find this great love. He is no longer looking for his great love, is satisfied with his life. Well, can I believe him? But this event has brought back Travis. This morning, when I was still in bed, I tried to let my fantasies go wild. It didn't work out. I didn’t really know about what to think about. But now, however, it looks quite different. Now Travis is back again in my mind and my hopes are also back again. Although I might get to like P. He is really cute, but isn´t he too young for me? And I don’t know what he is thinking about me. But, we only just met; I have to wait to get to know him better. But Travis would definitely not be older. But what the heck? I look much younger than I am. Everybody tells me this the whole time. And An. was also surprised when I told her that I would be 19 years older than her (she is 37). She also believed that I am much younger. And soon I will look even better, when I have reached my desired weight.
March 12, 2013
I looked at old photos of me yesterday because I was telling Ka. about my Hawaii vacation. I looked at the pictures and I realized how good I looked at that time. And I have always had doubts about me! Why? Particularly in Hawaii, I was slim, has been a beautiful woman. I am now almost 30 years older (oh, my God, next year it will be 30 years!), but I am still a beautiful woman, I am looking younger than I am, have a nice body, a nice, smooth face. I noticed yesterday that my body hasn’t changed that much in these 30 years. I want to keep it that way. I cannot change my face, can't stop aging here as easily. 30 years are a long time, I should not forget this. But my body will be that way again, it's almost already. And then I'm going to find the man of my life or he will find me. Again, no more lonely nights!
If I think about what I had gone through to start losing weight again, to think about my life and to change it! Thank you, Phillip M., you a..hole, helping me to change my life, because I simply do not want to continue like I did the way before. Although it is a relatively slow process, but I can speed it up even more and I'll change my life even further. And especially I realized that I have feelings, that I'm really capable of deep feelings. If I just didn't have them for Travis! I need a real man, not a fantasy on a picture! But I still have hope in a small section of my brain!
Today, it is again very boring in the office. I have nothing to do. I read so far the whole starting from January to now. It is already interesting to read about what has changed already in the last one and half months since I started writing regularly. From deep despair until now, where I'm no longer just crying, but to feel more comfortable again, my life is improving, even if slowly, but light is already visible at the end of the tunnel. I will make it and it's going to be even better.
I am just listening to my favorite song and it still makes me sad. But sometimes I can't change it; I have to listen to it. After work, on the way home I always hope that something is happening, that Travis contacts me that something is coming from the United States or Canada, just anything. But each time I am disappointed. No mail, no reply, simply nothing.
March 13, 2013
Today I feel again strange. Already the whole morning I had this knot in my stomach, feeling restless and sentimental. Also the song "Right here waiting for you" goes through my mind all the time. That doesn’t make it easier.
I found a couple of poems about love and lovesickness:
Don´t run to someone who is happy without you. Find someone who can no longer live without you.
Yes, Travis is happy without me, because he doesn't even know that I exist. I really should find someone who can no longer live without me.
They say time heals wounds, but you just get accustomed to the pain.
How true, these days still exist, where the wounds hurt!
Love is like a game in which you win or lose. I lost, but I won't give up!
I will not give up either!
Oh, if my eyes had never seen yours, I could easily pass by you! But unfortunately, I have seen them and slowly it breaks my heart.
Yes, your eyes, Travis, they fascinated me right from the beginning!
Not the love for you hurts, but the longing for you.
This longing hurts sometimes so much that I think I am not able to go on!
Now, my song is playing again. Only during my dance, I completely forget my sorrow. Then the thoughts come back, day after day.
March 14, 2013
I'm feeling strange again. I can’t breathe, everything is so difficult, and I am sad and sentimental. As time passes and nothing is happening, the more strange it feels. I have constantly my favorite songs in my head and they make me even sadder.
Yesterday, late in the evening I skyped with this scammer Daniel from Ghana. He's 23 years old and has sent me his photo. He has the same age as my son! According to his information he had never the intention to scam me, he simply liked my picture at Friendscout from the very beginning. Of course and he thinks I will believe this!!! He wants to be my friend / pen pal. But yesterday he told me that he would like to have his own laptop, so he could write with me at any time and could be online whenever he wants. At the moment, he uses the laptop of a friend. And he wants me to believe this crap? He can wait very long to get some money from me. This would be also scam, only in a different way. He wants to study computer science he said. At the end, he might expect that I support him during his studies! In any case, he is a really "black African". And 23! I told him he should take away from skype this dumb photo of this German guy. But this Daniel believes that if he pretends to be honest, I would easier be carried away to help him? I know all the tricks in the meantime. Either he will ask for things such as laptop, mobile phone or something like this, or someone of his family gets sick and he must help them; and he would need money for the hospital, etc. Don’t even think about of asking me! As I said, I know the tricks. It´s especially the fault what his “colleagues” from Ghana did to me. In particular, Phillip M., who is the biggest a..hole! Yet, it would be interesting to know his age! If he is as young as Daniel? I don’t think so, the voice sounded older and especially the Diplomat’s voice. They have been longer in this scamming business. Especially, when you think about the whole story they made up. Everything fitted together. Except for the bad English! They have to work on that still.
March 15, 2013
Yesterday I posted Daniel at romancescam with his original photo. Today came a reply, that I should be careful, mugus want to be friends today, tomorrow they want to have something, support, visa, anything. I know that, they will get nothing from me. Daniel is from Ghana and I don't trust anyone there. Although there surely are many normal people there, I think, but Daniel is not. He is a scammer.
Another one has contacted me at Friendscout, also with pictures of U. I have sent a reply and gave him my email address. Still no reply from him has come so far. But it may be also that his account at FS was deleted again and he didn’t get my message.
I don’t really know how I feel. On one hand, everything is ok, but on the other hand….. Yesterday, I even imagined an accidental meeting with Travis. And how I would explain to him why I know him and how. It felt quite weird. Travis slowly fades. All my wishes fade away as well; they were all connected with Travis, except for the one desire: to have somebody in my life again, to love and to be loved, this one desire is still very present. But as I have no more contact with Phillip M., the whole thing exists only in my imagination that I once thought I had found the love of my life. And without Phillip M., the hope to meet Travis is vanishing. Well, let's see what happens next. Would I meet Travis one today, I would probably go crazy. But a little hopelessness is also spreading right now.
. I have to try to sell it at eBay; it is too nice to give it away just like this. My other two-piece ball gown that I bought 2 years ago fits now very good. The skirt is a little bit too big, but the top fits well. I can definitely keep it. But my favorite is my red ball gown from the 80s. I want to fit in again. 
. He gave me his Skype address. It would be interesting to know if he has more pictures of St. J. Slowly, I know the whole curriculum vitae of St. J.
in the internet, a..hole!
and that she was the reason I contacted him. Sometimes, the world is really small. I would normally not have contacted him, but did it only because of Ms. H. But it was a nice meeting. He told me that he had already met two women, younger than me, but he didn’t like them. They had put pictures of their youth in the net and he was shocked when he met them. He told me that I look even better in reality than on my pictures. He had been hiding while waiting for me. If he wouldn’t have liked me, he would have silently slipped away without meeting me. But he was standing there and beaming with joy. Good for my ego! 
!